Sometimes doing the right thing hurts...

I wanted to post this for some sort of cathartic reason.. For the past 2 days I have made myself physically ill with sadness. Most everyone that knows me knows I LOVE my animals and spoil them to death. When Ellie was sick, I was in tears until I knew she was in the clear. Well, she has not had another episode like the one about a month ago. But she has gotten way too close for comfort. The thunderstorms and fireworks have been horrible for her. To the point where she is almost seizure like when it happens. Nothing Geoff or I do will put her at ease. We tried everything from herbal stuff, to the anxiety reducing plus ins, lavender on her bed in the crate, blasting the TV when storms came, holding her, ignoring her. It is just getting worse and worse. The HEAVY panting for what seemed like days after each episode, losing control of her bowel movements, and then being over the top grouchy to any thing around her after this happened. She's starting to turn on the other animals and on me (which she has NEVER done). I completely understand. Who wouldn't be angry if everyday they are expecting their worse nightmare to happen at any given time. I went to the vet 2 times this week (for 2nd opinions). And because of her condition they don't want to drug her long term. It would mess with her organs. I know a lot of animals that get drugs for fear of thunderstorms. But because of the unpredictable INTENSE storms here (and they are BAD), the fireworks 2 times a week or whenever the home team wins....we would literally be doping her up everyday. As easy as it would be to just dope her up and keep her a sleepy zombie, it just wouldn't be my Ellie. Her crazy, cocker self is a huge part of her personality. Plus the damage on her organs might be too much for her with her HGE. So after talking and talking for hours with Geoff and my aunt. We are trying to see if maybe a change of area is what she needs. My aunt is going to take Ellie and hope she improves. She lives in Las Vegas, has a fenced in backyard. Someone is always home, and there are her nephews that come by every school day to play. (Anyone who come from the West...knows that our thunderstorms are NOTHING compared to the ones in the South!! That's if we get any rain at all!) She will be loved to death, no fireworks except 4th of July and New Years and will be the only dog (something I think Ellie had always wanted..as much as we tried she always was jealous and wanted to be the center of attention). If this doesn't work and the episodes continue, we will see what our options are then. I am PRAYING this will work!!! Because living in fear is no way to live. So last night I dropped Ellie off in SC to fly to Vegas. The whole 2.5 hour drive up there I made myself not cry because I did not want her to be nervous (we did semi sedate her per vets instructions since she has never flown). Leaving here there broke my heart and I ran to the bathroom afterwards and cried for a good 15 mins until I could compose myself. Paid the extra money to have her escorted everywhere and right now she is somewhere over New Mexico (at 12:15 am on Friday) Only 1 more hour till she gets in ...then I can go to sleep. I have cried so much today...I am a mess. I feel like a failure. If this was my human "child", would I just give it away?? No, I would move. I know we can't move right now...and I know I am doing the best thing I can do for Ellie. I know she will be happy. She loves everyone!! But it hurts. It literally hurts. So...if I don't talk about her for a few days....please know I am thinking of her. And the tears are not for her, since I know she is going to be WELL taken care of and loved and spoiled. The tears are for me.